The Horrors of Self Inserts
by naonaonao
Summary: A parody of the common themes in a Twilight fanfiction. "I woke up to find a pair of gleaming eyes staring at me, then I realized, I was in the Twilight world! I was Bella!" It's funny, trust me.
1. Meet Whatsherface

WTF is with all the Twilight fans?

Obsessing about Twilight, writing self-inserts, etc.

It's tiring.

Yes, Twilight is a good book, admittedly, but GET OVER EDWARD.

A parody. And here we go.

X

I woke up feeling groggy, my room much too dark for the numbers on my digital clock to be legit. Six-thirty in the morning?

A dark but fantastically beautiful teenage boy stood across the room from me, his lips twitching upward into a charming crooked smile. His teeth were snow-white, his eyes a brilliant, mesmerizing shade of gold. He was toned and perfect, every grill's dream.

"Hello Love," He greeted in a fascinatingly musical voice. I was confused at first, absolutely lost as to what my surroundings happened to be, but I couldn't tear my eyes away from his flawless frame.

"Bella…?" He asked, sounding concern.

My jaw dropped.

It was Edward Cullen! I was absolutely stunned, but at the same time thrilled. This was my life's dream, to become Isabella Swan, the object of every grill's envy. I could hardly believe it.

My sense of self control lost, I leapt from my bed and into my new boyfriend's arms, embracing him. To my delight, his milk-white, muscular arms wrapped around my slim waist (slim waist, can you believe it?!) and a broad grin graced my lips.

"Why, Bella, you're awfully enthusiastic this morning." Edward mused.

"Oh yes, my love! And do you know why?!" I asked, my tone brimming with pleasure. "Because today is going to be a fantastic day!" Maybe we could even have sex! Ecstasy filling my tender soul (and body, although I wouldn't admit that outloud—crap, nevermind), I held myself even closer to Edward, feeling him accept my token of love.

"Well, then, what would you like to do today?" He asked me, amusement evident in his tone.

"I LOVE YOU!" I shrieked. I mean, "I love you," I whispered tenderly.

"Bella, is everything alright?" He asked, the laughter lacing his voice disappearing. "You aren't acting yourself."

"Yes—of course everything's alright, don't worry about me! Everything is perfect." I answered honestly. If I was going to continue to live Bella's life, I certainly had to keep up the act. But why was it so hard? My friends had always agreed with me when I stated that I was nearly a carbon copy of Bella—I was clumsy, frumpy, modest, and popular! Always the most unique of my group. Why did he doubt me?

"Well then," Edward began. "Let's get going."

X

Haha, does this look familiar?

Seriously, every other fanfic I see is at least remotely similar to this.

Coming up in the next chapter: Jacob and Edward fight over "Bella"! Stay tuned!

Anyway, review! Please…


	2. Solidarność

This is chapter two. Who else saw the midnight premiere?

Also, I was kidding. There's no Jacob in this chapter, maybe next time.

X

THERE IS NO JACOB IN THIS CHAPTER, GET OVER IT.

We eventually found ourselves in Edward's seductive silver Volvo (after making out, of course—at least, I thought it was, until he forced me to desist) and on our way to the Cullen's house. I had trouble masking my excitement. No, Srsly.

And the Cullen House was every bit as beautiful as I had imagined! The large, somewhat intimidating exterior and bright, open interior. And the Cullens definitely out-magnicified the house—each with their individual but undeniable beauty, the scene before me was absolutely breathtaking.

And the next happenings were far too unbelievable to put into words. The warm welcome came first, as expected, quickly followed by what seemed to be endless merriment and pleasure.

Hours passed, and I had forgotten the hunger pains gnawing at my stomach.

"Bella needs to eat," Edward reminded his brother Emmet, who quickly dashed to the kitchen. He returned moments later (moments that seemed to pass by far too quickly, moments I spent staring into Edward's endless bullion eyes) with a martini glass, filled with a clear liquid that resembled water.

"Drink this," He ordered lightly, a promisingly wide grin on his face.

Edward snatched the bottle from his brother's hands before I had a chance to accept the drink.

"Bella," He began, "you drink Solidarność?" He sounded surprised.

I hadn't had a clue what Solidarność was, but before I could reply, my stomach answered for me.

"Um, yes." I stammered, taking the elegant glass in my hands and downing the contents thoroughly before I had a chance to taste anything.

But then I did.

The taste was repulsive, actually—a lot like nail polish remover to be honest. It was strong, bitter, and the grimace on my face must have shown it. Solidarność was disgusting.

But Emmet seemed pleased, and I didn't want to disappoint him—so I asked for another glass.

"Another glass, really?" Edward inquired. "Are you sure you can handle it?"

"Of course!" I wasn't.

Emmet, still upholding that sly, excited expression, fetched me another larger glass of the stuff. I began to sip it this time, but upon realizing that it would make the taste linger much more slowly, I somehow managed to gulp it all down at once.

It was slightly less revolting this time, but still enough to make me feel like retching.

"You don't look like you're enjoying it very much." Edward mused.

"Another glass!" I ordered, beginning to feel tipsy; lightheaded.

And when the third glass came, and by this time I was ready. I nearly inhaled the intoxicating beverage, then felt stimulated somehow. Not myself—and no, this wasn't due to my current predicament either.

"Woooo!"I cheered, sounding utterly ridiculous as I slapped Edward's derrière.

"Bella, really."

"Come on big boy, don't be shy!" I managed to blurt in-between hiccups, grabbing Emmet by the arms and swinging them, watching him roar with laughter.

"You shouldn't have given her vodka, Emmet; I knew she wouldn't be able to handle it!" I heard Edward bellow. By now I probably knew I was drunk, but I didn't care—I was living Bella's life, an irresistible vampire as my boyfriend, and too drunk to feel pain.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" I shrieked.

By now, the room was spinning, the colors wild and vivid.

Then all was black.

X

So, should I kill off this retched creature, send her back to the real world, or keep her here and make her deal with the hangover?

The choice is yours!

ALSO, I am deeply sorry for the lack of Jacob in this chapter—this idea just seemed more in the moment. Definitely. Plus, my friend wanted to see it before the showdown between Werewolf and Vampire.

OH, AND I'VE NEVER BEEN DRUNK SO FORGIVE ME IF ANY OF THIS IS INNACURATE.


	3. Hangover

LOL, SORRY I TOOK FOREVER, GUYS. My computer totally committed suicide and when I took it to my technician, he told me there was no hope... so I'm writing this on a different one. Hopefully I'll get a new laptop this month.

ANYWAY, HERE I GO.

X

I jolted awake, my half-lidded gaze meeting Edward's concerned one. I blinked before realizing I was sprawled out on his couch, as he sat on the bed, his brows furrowed in worry.

"Bella?" He prompted, moving closer. I felt my body suddenly heat up -- he was just so _hot_. Not in the literal sense, obviously, but his cool hand stroking the back of my head eased the pain from my headache.

Wait, headache?

"What happened?" I mumbled, my words tumbling out of my mouth in a haphazardly fashion. His eyes, not as bright as they were before, but certainly not onyx--yet--danced in the florescent lighting. I glanced at the grand, unframed window. The sun was setting, making it evident that it was now dusk. It was twilight.

Just like in the book! Ooh, this was so exciting! I sprang up from my awkward position, suddenly much more alert, but regretted it immediately; the room spun.

"Emmett offered you vodka," Edward explained, gently coaxing me back down." After displaying a volley of drunken rampages and outbursts, you passed out in my kitchen." His lips turned upwards into a crooked smile, and I felt the urge to embrace him -- but, considering my current state, I suppressed it. Instead, my adoration was replaced with anger. Imagine it, upset with somebody so gorgeous! I didn't think it was possible, either.

"How could you let me drink vodka?!" I exclaimed, my voice still slightly raspy from my hangover. I suddenly felt nauseous. "I... I've never even _had_ alcohol before!"

"I'm sorry," He responded, sounding offended. "You said you could handle it."

"I didn't know what it was!" I defended myself. I was prepared to argue further, but my stomach protested, the vodka clearly disagreeing with it.

Edward must have noticed--maybe I wore a queasy expression, I don't know--but he was quickly on his feet and rubbing small circles into my back. Instantly, I relaxed.

Then I wondered... where was the _real_ Bella? Was she out there living my life? Would I be stuck here forever, and would my parents be worried? A variety of sudden anxieties flooded my mind, rendering Edward's exercise useless.

But, screw them! I'd prefer this hunky angel over family, friends, or a normal life. And who needed to breathe? Maybe I could convince him to turn me into a vampire tonight, and a helluva lot better than his _other_ girlfriend could.

"Darling," I began, using the sweetest voice possible in my current condition. "I was thinking..."

"Bella." He stopped me, his voice flat. "Or should I say... IMPOSTER!" His sudden outburst was absolutely out of character, and I had to wonder if he had been replaced by someone else too.

"Wuh... What?!" I stammered, alarmed. Had he figured me out?! A wide range of possibilities were presented before me, and I couldn't handle so many thoughts at once.

I exploded.

Just kidding.

"I don't know what you are, or why you're here, but you aren't the woman I love." He told me, his tone borderline angry. "I've been able to read your mind this entire time, and the things I'm hearing are absolutely disgusting! Giving up your family and life at home just to be with someone you called a 'hunky angel'? Please! I'm not even real!" He roared, and I became frightened. "No, I will not have sex with you -- No, I am not going to replace the love of my life with some hopeless fangirl -- And _no_, I am not going to change you into a vampire!"

"Oh, ok." I replied. "Can we still be friends?"

"Sure."

X

It's two in the morning and I'm writing this on a whim. Can you blame me for the obvious retardation?

WELL, ANYWAY, IT'S OVER. THERE WAS NO JACOB. HAHA, I TRICKED YOU.

Anyway, I intended to make this more lulzy, but because it's late and I'm tired, I nearly turned it into an actual fanfic... my mistake! So I had to end it quick. It's total crap, I get it, whatever... review, anyways. :D


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